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and Bread Baking 101
|Posted on the ACandyRose Internet Subculture Forum|
Jun-12-1999 6:41 pm
#137.1 1 of 16
Here is a recipe for those of you who wish to be logged on the Internet 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and bake bread while surfing the net.
INGREDIENTS AND/OR EQUIPMENT NEEDED:
1 Pkg of 5 count Rhodes frozen bread loaves located in the frozen food department a local supermarket near you.
5 loaf pans about the size of one of those 3-1/2" floppy disk carrying cases, you know the kind that hold like 50 disk storage. Don't use the carrying cases because they are plastic. You will need metal loaf pans even though the 3-1/2" disk storage containers look like loaf pans as they do not work well in the oven.
5 small hand towels, like the ones you normally use in the kitchen to dry dishes but if you have no hand towels, any cloth will do. (i.e. pillow cases, curtains, diapers, etc.)
1 can of Crisco shortening to be used to grease the inside of the loaf pans. The Crisco shortening can be found in the baking section of your local supermarket. Modern day woman can also use "Pam" if you can get her to come to your house. The point is you don't want the bread to stick to the pan after it is baked so anything greasy that is also eatable can be used.
1 Pkg or container of REAL butter, not that fake or cheap stuff called margarine or spread. If your gonna make real home-made bread then use real butter. The butter is located in the dairy department of your local supermarket or fast food chain. Now if you want real home-made butter, that is another class you may have to register for and just to warn you in advance that class may require the purchase of a pregnant milking cow for the cream and the steps are a little more lengthy and good butter-churns are not readily available at your local department stores.
1 pastry brush to be used to spread the soft butter over the top of the baked and beautifully browned bread loaves but you can also substitute wax paper and use it to grab a butter and smear it all over the top of that bread.
1 Jar of Jam or Jelly, any flavor. There is nothing like taking some melting butter and spread that Jam over hot home-made bread straight out of the oven. Speaking of ovens……..
1 oven. This is usually a standard item in most homes but if you don't own one you can check your area yellow pages for a good appliance store near you to purchase what would be considered a conventional oven that is either gas or electric. Speaking of gas and electric…………
1 order for electric service. This would serve as a multi-purpose investment as you will also need it to connect your PC and Monitor as most of them have electrical plugs whereas electricity is required. Hopefully your home is already wired for electricity but if not then you will have to contact an electrician to wire your home as this would be required before the electric service is ordered.
1 order for gas hookup service. This is only required should you decide to purchase a gas range opposed to an electric range for the purpose of baking. This is not a multi-purpose investment as far as your PC equipment is concerned as PC's don't use gas as fuel but could be multi-purpose if you decide to purchase a gas furnace for example. Hopefully your home is already setup with gas pipe lines connecting to your home but if not then you might have to contact your local gas company and/or community service department to see how to get the pipe lines on to your street and connect to your home. This may also require digging in your yard.
1 order for telephone service. This is a requirement for Internet access. You may went to consider multiple lines especially for being on the Internet 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Plus this is almost a must for those with a family or teenagers which you must have or you wouldn't be baking five loaves of bread at a time to begin with. Plus a family is required to be on the Internet 24/7 days a week as other household duties can be completed by them to free up the time for you.
1 PC or similar type of communication device that is equipped with a modem to give you access to the Internet. If your already reading this from here then you have already completed this task as well as ordering the electric and phone service.
1 ISP setup and e-mail address created to allow you access to the Internet and this will also be required for you to register at ACandyRose Internet Subculture Forum or any other forum on the Internet.
1 Printer only if you plan on printing many of the thousands of postings you will be doing on the Internet forums and/or of postings of your Internet peers and or suspicious characters that you may want to save for later possible law suits on libel or slander.
Set all five of the loaf pans next to your new PC and space them about about 6" apart because as the bread begins to rise you don't want each loaf touching the other loaves as they are not easy to get apart if they stick to each other. You might want to consider putting them on the opposite side of the PC that you have your fire extinguisher.
Put each of your five frozen loaves into each of the loaf pans. One per pan, please.
Cover each pan with a hand towel or appropriate cloth. This will keep the air from drying out the top of the bread loaves while at the same time will keep the heat in to help the yeast activation to make the dough rise into nice even shaped loaves of bread. Ah doggie, your gonna have some good home-made bread for hubby and kids soon.
While your five loaves of frozen bread are thawing and will begin rising, you can set up your ISP to get connect to the Internet. There are several good ISP programs to use such as www.abts.net (depending on what part of the country you live in) or www.aol.com or you can even use both at a reduced rate plus this give you several options for a variety of e-mail addresses to register at several different forums with total anonymity especially if you run into a problem later with being banned from various forums. It is always good to be prepared ahead of time.
You will need to pick a screen name for yourself sort like a handle to be identified on the Internet. You can get all kinds of ideas from using your real life nickname, your dogs name, your neighbors name, your favorite soap opera character or even the name of your home schooling program.
If you got this far in the equipment and instructions then you have really progressed and now your on the Internet.
First thing you need to do is sign up for one or several extra e-mail addresses. There are several to choose from or you can use them all. So point your browser to www.hotmail.com or www.yahoo.com or any other free e-mail program your friends might suggest. There are hundreds of them. You may want to start a list of your e-mail addy's as you will be creating many passwords as well.
As your bread dough is rising in those bread pans to your right, you can log on to the Internet. This could take several hours for the dough to rise depending on how much heat is coming from your PC monitor.
Repeat these steps over and over again for the next several hours: Check out ACandyRose Internet Subculture, check out Mrs.Bradys URL's, check out Justice Watch, check out WebbSleuths Jury Room, check out A&E Message board, check out the Yahoo Message board and last but not least check out the "other" forum with the name name of Webbsleuths. During the last 2 hours, turn your oven on preheat to get ready for the bread.
Once your bread dough has reached a height to look somewhat like loaves of bread then take a quick break (but don't log off the Internet) and put them in the preheated oven. Set your timer and quickly head back to your PC. And keep your fire extinguisher handy just in case you become to involved with surfing the Internet and your bread starts to burn and you need to put out the fire. It is always better to be safe than sorry.
Repeat all the steps you did earlier to check out all the forums. Take a short break when you hear the oven timer and remove the bread from the oven to cool. This is when you use that pastry brush and cover the top of each loaf generously with butter. Can't you just smell that home-cooked bread?
Now take four of the loaves and place them on the counter for your family to ramp and rave about and take the fifth loaf and cut it in 2" slices and place them on a napkin. Smear that real butter and Jam all over them and then take that whole cut up loaf back to your PC and lay them down next to your keyboard.
As you continue to surf the Internet you can enjoy your home-baked bread :-)
Note: Several steps above such as ordering telephone service, electric service, gas service, purchasing a new appliance, purchasing your new PC, and setting up your ISP can be eliminated on future baking of bread while surfing the net.
NOTE: The satire, "Internet 24/7 and Bread Baking 101" is the property of the poster known as "ACandyRose" who has given permission for the material to be used as part of the ACandyRose Internet Subculture History archive site
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