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[Sludge Reports by Shadow] Shadow's
Sludge Reports
Who Needs an Eyeless, Earless Bear?

Who Needs an Eyeless, Earless Bear?
By Shadow
Sludge Report Staff Writer

Washington, DC – February 3, 1999: Most writers write differently for different audiences. For example, when I write for political magazines I use words like pontificate and "unnamed sources" a lot. When I write for biker magazines, I use small words and never say "unnamed sources." Last time I used unnamed sources in a biker magazine, I was forced to name my unnamed sources by some guys who don't really care about the First Amendment.

At any rate, I stopped off at the "Hell on Wheels" biker bar in Middleburg, Virginia last night to get my biker buddies' take on the JonBenet Ramsey case. Biker gangs have a unique, insiders view of crime and punishment. My fear level on visiting biker bars is not as high as one might think. My son, a photographer, takes pictures of bikers and their wives (and/or girl friends) and I write glowing stories about them. Also, my son and I occasionally ride with gang members – you'd be surprised at how little we get chased by dogs and how few people "tailgate" us (and live).

On entering the dimly lit, smoke filled "Hell on Wheels" bar, I spotted three of my buddies at a table watching two 290 pound wrestlers on TV smashing each other with metal chairs. Pulling up a chair, I said, "whose winning?"

Moose: Who cares? It's all fake.

Pegleg: Yeah. I once hit a guy with a chair like that and killed him. It's phony.

Shadow: Then why do you watch?

Moose: You want to watch Jeopardy or ET?

Shadow: Nah! (To barmaid) Bring us a round of beer over here, please!

Pegleg: What's up shadow? Missed you on the "Ride to the Wall."

Shadow: I've been working on my book, "Biker Gangs, Forever."

Moose: Any unnamed sources in this book?

Shadow: Not a one. What do you guys think about the Santa Bear story in the JonBenet case?

Pegleg: I heard the bear's buried with the kid in Atlanta.

Maddog: Naw, I got good information that it's buried in the end zone at Mile High Stadium in Denver – tribute to John Elway.

Moose: I don't know what the big deal with this bear is anyway. Got no eyes… couldn't have witnessed anything.

Pegleg: But it could have heard something.

Moose: Got no ears either! Who needs an eyeless, earless teddy bear?

Maddog: I got a friend who just got out of Boulder jail for violating the city's stupid noise abatement law. He said the BPD evidence room guy told him that since DA Hunter put out his all points look out for the Santa Bear, they have 150 teddy bears in the evidence room.

Moose: An eyeless, earless teddy bear ain't going to convict anyone anyway.

Maddog: Yeah. I'd put my money on the missing Taser Gun.

Pegleg: What about the flashlight?

Maddog: Evidence room guy told my buddy that at first the BPD had no flashlight, now they got 52 in the evidence room. No one knows where they came from.

Shadow: (To barmaid) Another round of beer over here, please! Hey, guys, you've got a lot of experience with the law. Do you think anyone will be convicted of this crime?

Moose: Parents did it… but they're too connected to get charged, much less convicted.

Pegleg: If they find the right teddy bear, the right taser gun, and the right flashlight, they'll get a conviction.

Maddog: Give me a break! The Santa Claus guy is going down for this crime. He ain't got much money, got no political clout, and they'll frame him with the Santa Bear thing.

Obviously, even criminal experts like my biker friends can't agree on the JonBenet Ramsey case. When a rather heated discussion resembling the TV wrestling match or maybe the JW Forum began, shadow decided it was time to pay the beer bill and leave.

All "Sludge Reports" are "Parody"
All "Sludge Reports" are "Parody" and are written by "Shadow" and are the express property of "Shadow" and donated and used on the ACandyRose Website with express permission of "Shadow" as part of the archived history of the Internet Subculture surrounding the JonBenet Ramsey murder Investigation. The parody opinion expressed in the "Sludge Reports" is not necessarily the opinion of the webmaster of "ACandyRose" and have not been included in the archive history by "Shadow" or "ACandyRose" to discredit any Internet poster or any person in real life whose name may sound familiar when referenced within the parody reports. The "Sludge Reports" can not be copied or used from the ACandyRose website without the express permission of "Shadow."


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