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Boulder In Crisis
|Boulder In Crisis|
Sludge Report Staff Writer
(Editor's Note: While shadow works late into the night, consuming large quantities of Bud Light, cheap wine and Benson & Hedges cigarettes producing his next masterpiece, we offer this update of a previous Sludge Report)
Washington, DC – March 24, 1999: Basking in my success at finding the missing Greenleaf, and encouraged by kudos from janab, Teague, Allipat, darby, Gemini, frankg, Cassandra, Lacey, Shamrockpati, China, fly and, of course, Panico, your dedicated Sludge Report investigative reporter, scored another coup when he came into possession of a video tape of MSNBC's latest talk show, "Boulder In Crisis," in late January. In keeping with MSNBC's practice of assigning people who are famous (or infamous as the case may be) and familiar with the subject matter to host their talk shows, O.J. Simpson was tapped to host "Boulder In Crisis."
The first show (previously taped and presented to the JBR forum by shadow) was scheduled to begin as soon as the Senate Impeachment Hearings ended. Problems, however, ensued lining up sponsors. The recently re-taped show will debut within a few weeks. Provided below is a transcript that I took directly from the most recent video.
O.J.: Tonight is the kick-off, so to speak, of our show Boulder In Crisis that's gonna be on MSNBC every Friday night until the JonBenet Ramsey murder is solved – or until I die of old age… hee, hee, hee. We are going to run with the ball on this case. Ah, um, ask the hard questions. Whatever! My guests tonight are Jerry Lynn Merit, famous talk show defense lawyer, who never tried a case; Larry Pozner, one of the few lawyers I've never met; Dan Abrams, Garaldo River's talk show pretty boy reporter; my old buddy, Mark Fur Man; and a man who needs no introduction – ah, um, oh yeah, Johnnie Cochran. Let's begin with Johnnie C. If the Ramseys are indicted they probably need a good saying like the one I came up with for my trial – "If they don't fit, you must submit."
Johnnie: I told you before, dummy! It's must acquit…
O.J.: Acquit, submit, oh sh**, whatever!
Johnnie: And let me remind you again, OJ, I came up with that line.
O.J.: And, as I told you before, blowhard, Roosevelt Greer and I came up with that during one of our prayer sessions!
Johnnie: Nitwit! Whatever!
O.J.: Go kiss up to Garaldo, Johnnie. Jerry Lynn, tell me about the Santa Beer.
Jerrilyn: That's old news, OJ. But, the Santa Bear belonged to JonBenet, and it disappeared. While the hellaballo about the beer, ah bear, is pretty much over, I still believe it's an important piece of evidence in this case. Combined with the fact that the GJ alternates have been sent home, Smitt has testified before the GJ, and he, Hunter, Haddon, Bynum and JR have gone skiing in Asphen, it looks like an absolute certainty that the Ramseys had nothing to do with JonBenet's death.
Abrams: As I told you before, guys, the Santa Bear really belonged to Patsy. It was given to her by Bill Clinton. Betty Currie and Vernon Jordan sneaked into the Ramsey house and retrieved the bear while the police, family and guests were having a prayer session. I got this from a JBR forum lawyer from New York who is in close contact with another lawyer who is in contact with everyone involved in this case.
O.J.: Give me a break, Abrams… why would Jordan, the richest, most famous basketball player in the world, break into a house to steal a bear? He could buy hundreds, maybe thousands of 'em.
Fuhrman: Was the bear black or white? Just kidding... disregard that. The cops, DA's office and everyone else involved in this case are incompetent. When my best selling book comes out, go buy it. Then you'll know who committed this terrible crime.
Johnnie: Yeah, Fuhrman! It was a black yard worker… right?
Fuhrman: Read my book, if you have time to stop counting your money!
Pozner: Does anyone want my opinion?
Johnnie: Not really.
Pozner: What about the ransom note? Howard Riles, the world's foremost expert on handwriting, says Patsy didn't write the note.
Jerrilyn: I agree, Larry. The case against the Ramseys is over.
O.J.: If she didn't write, you can't indict!
Abrams: This case isn't over, folks! I have sources that tell me Ken Starr has been looking into the Haddon/Hunter/JR/PR/Bill Clinton relationship. This could funnel literally millions of dollars into the investigation. We could have round the clock GJs for the next five years!
Johnnie: With the bucks Lockheed Martin, and JR have, I could put together a "dream team" to clean Ken Starr's clock!
Fuhrman: Doesn't anyone want to hear about my book?
O.J.: Well, ah, um, time has run out on tonight's show. I thank my guests for their in-depth knowledge of this case. On our show next week, joining Jerry Lynn and Larry, will be Fleet White, who I believe was an old football player who later served on the Supreme Court; a person named Lake who has a unique theory on this case; and a New York Lawyer, who knows more about Schiller's and Darby Hoffman's theories than they do.
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