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Surrounding the JonBenet Ramsey Murder case
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Wizard of Oz
|"Wizard of OZ"|
Posted by shadow on Apr-06-99 at 05:40 PM (EST)
The Wizard of OZ
Sludge Report Staff Writer
(Editor's Note: We at the Sludge Report decided to go ahead and publish this demented, rambling, nonsense by shadow to show the effects of the JonBenet Ramsey case on people who already have only one oar in the water. Although we have a "dream team" of psychologists and psychiatrists working with shadow round-the-clock, it may be some time before another Report is published.)
Washington, DC - April 6, 1999: The JonBenet Ramsey case is driving your reporter, shadow, crazy. Those of us who live in the east and south get no news at all about the case in our local newspapers nor on our local TV news stations. Occasionally, national TV shows such as 20/20 and 48 Hours will have 15 minutes of clips from old Ramsey infomercials and a rehash of what us Justice Watch Forum participants already knew weeks/months before. And, of course, MSNBC, CNN, and Fox talk show hosts have occasional 10 minute segments on the case with the usual cast of talking empty heads whose agendas are pasted all over them like a bad case of chicken pox. Even worse for an investigative reporter like shadow, is the sad fact that my sources are drying-up. I tracked down Johnnie Cochran for an interview and was told, "If you continue, Johnnie must sue." (Weak, Johnnie, weak!) I went to the "Hell on Wheels" Bar in Middleburg, Virginia to get the opinions of my biker sources and was beaten like a mule for not giving them money for our last interview. The zippers on the lips of my FBI sources have rusted shut.
Realizing that it would not be long before shadow would become desperate for news and would have to start making silk purses out of sow's ears like the Tabs and mainstream media do, I turned to the JW Forum for help. Low and behold, there was Panico's "The word on the street is..." thread. God, was the secret to this whole mystery right there in the streets? I ran out into the street in front of my house, but there was no message there. I realized it couldn't be that easy! I drove to the Washington, DC beltway - surely one of the many lanes on the beltway would have the words I was looking for. While looking for the message, I was run down by a driver, no doubt suffering from deep road rage because he couldn't find the answer in the streets either.
When I got out of the hospital, I found Jan's thread "Why, Schiller, why?" Yes! Dumb waiters were the answer! But where would I find a dumb waiter to interview? Oh, yeah!! The "Hell on Wheels" Bar had to be loaded with dumb waiters. I walked into the bar and told the bartender to send some dumb waiters to my table. How was I to know that it's politically incorrect to call waiters with tattoos all over their bodies "dumb?" My stay in the hospital was much shorter this time.
During my recovery, my disbarred doctor prescribed mescaline to relieve the pain and bolster my spirits. After taking the prescribed dosage, I happened upon New York Lawyer's thread "Patsy & John Already Divorced?" Within seconds, NYL's faultless logic and the wisdom of Tangee, Starling, BobC, Mee too, and seashell brought me to tears. Why can't others see this stuff as clearly as we do, I wondered.
The next morning, fully recovered from my aches and pains and only slightly hung over, my depression returned. As I was contemplating fabricating a story about the Ramsey's having a secret room in their house more costly than my entire home, I spotted fiddler's "The Truth is out there..." thread. Oh, yeah, now here's a theory shadow can relate to!! There is no JonBenet Ramsey murder case. No GJ, and there will be no indictment, no report, no arrest nor conclusion. The entire story was made-up to divert attention from the Monica/Bill saga and to keep the Tabs, and TV talk shows in business until the next OJ case. Boulder is OZ and Hunter is the Wizard! As soon as my "dream team" says it's ok, shadow will journey to OZ, find the Yellow Brick Road, track down the horse of different colors (JR?), and interview the Wizard himself.
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|All "Sludge Reports" are "Parody" and are written by "Shadow" and are the express property of "Shadow" and donated and used on the ACandyRose Website with express permission of "Shadow" as part of the archived history of the Internet Subculture surrounding the JonBenet Ramsey murder Investigation. The parody opinion expressed in the "Sludge Reports" is not necessarily the opinion of the webmaster of "ACandyRose" and have not been included in the archive history by "Shadow" or "ACandyRose" to discredit any Internet poster or any person in real life whose name may sound familiar when referenced within the parody reports. The "Sludge Reports" can not be copied or used from the ACandyRose website without the express permission of "Shadow."|
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