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2010 Status Report
Posted by shadow on May-14-99 at 07:19 PM (EST)
LAST EDITED ON May-15-99 AT 00:29 AM (EST)
May 14, 2010 Status Report
Sludge Report Staff Writer
(Editor's Note: Although we realize that, at 76, shadow is even more senile than he was when he worked full-time for the Sludge Report, we decided to print this article in recognition of his past service to this publication. Dedicated JW Forum participants will remember shadow as a "loose cannon on the JW deck," and a man with "only one oar in the water.")
Washington, DC - May 14, 2010 - Rumors are rampant in Boulder, Colorado that the 14 year old JonBenet Ramsey case is about to come to a conclusion. Carol McKinley, star reporter for the New York Times, reported today that Boulder DA, Mike Kane, is preparing to present to the JonBenet Ramsey Grand Jury the final DNA evidence that includes the results of tests conducted on 251,860,024 people. The JBR GJ is the longest standing GJ in the history of the United States. The average age of the people on the GJ, which has been meeting for half a day on every Tuesday in a month containing an R since the year 2001, is 82 years old - many are bussed from their nursing homes to the GJ meetings.
This startling new development seems to be confirmed by the appearance last night of Boulder mayor, Beckner, and Colorado governor, Early, on the Peter Boyles Live show on MSNBC. Beckner and Early told Boyles that "every i has been dotted and every t crossed" and that the DNA is "conclusive." Neither would confirm that an indictment was in the works, but both grinned when Boyles asked the question.
The Peter Boyles Live show (which replaced Larry King Live in 2004) triggered an immediate response from Haddon, Hunter, and Bynum, the law firm representing John Ramsey, and Merrick & Pozner who represent Patsey Ramsey. The spokeswoman, Pam Paugh, for these two firms threatened to sue Kane, Beckner, Early, Boyles and any organization that even suggested their clients were involved. She also released the results of the on-going search for the real killer by the Ramsey "world-class" investigative team led by Lou Smit. A quick read of the report indicates that this "crack team" is hot on the trail of the 4 foot tall space aliens first identified by the Star tabloid as suspects in 2002. As I recall, "reliable" sources told the Star that the aliens, who thought JBR was a rather tall adult, had planned to abduct JBR for unspeakable experiments, but the kidnapping went bad. The Ramseys, who converted to Judaism and moved to Israel in 1999, were unavailable for comment.
In other related matters, Burke Ramsey, now 23 years old, is attending Harvard Law School. Rumor has it that young Ramsey, the third richest person in the United States as a result of his successful lawsuits against the tabloids, TV and radio talk show hosts and guests, and newspapers, is studying "Internet Law." Your reporter has been told that BR archived all postings on the internet from early 1997 until the present with the idea of some day finding a way to sue everyone who ever posted "bad things" about him on the net.
In other news, President Jeb Bush lashed out at the National Weapons Association (NWA), formally the NRA. Bush, who succeeded President Elizabeth Dole, was angry that his bill to prevent people under 18 from buying smart bombs, heat seeking missiles, hand held rocket launchers, and flame throwers was opposed by the NWA. "It hasn't been but two weeks since Ronald Reagan Middle School was leveled by two 12 year olds using heat seeking missiles," said President Bush. It is also reported that Bush was extremely upset when a smart bomb, launched three days ago by an irate pro-weapons control freak, slightly injured Attorney General Kenneth Starr and domestic advisors Lucy Goldburg and Linda Tripp who were meeting in the west wing of the White House.
On a personal note, shadow would like to congratulate Greenleaf for her 2nd Pulitzer Prize as a political cartoonists for Salon Magazine, NYL for coming out of retirement to represent BR and get rich in the process, and Panico, CEO of World-Wide Singles Web Site, Inc.
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|All "Sludge Reports" are "Parody" and are written by "Shadow" and are the express property of "Shadow" and donated and used on the ACandyRose Website with express permission of "Shadow" as part of the archived history of the Internet Subculture surrounding the JonBenet Ramsey murder Investigation. The parody opinion expressed in the "Sludge Reports" is not necessarily the opinion of the webmaster of "ACandyRose" and have not been included in the archive history by "Shadow" or "ACandyRose" to discredit any Internet poster or any person in real life whose name may sound familiar when referenced within the parody reports. The "Sludge Reports" can not be copied or used from the ACandyRose website without the express permission of "Shadow."|
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