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The Answer Man
|The Answer Man|
Sludge Report Staff Writer
Washington, DC - July 7, 1999: With news in the JBR case at an all time low, and shadow's ratings on the JW Forum dropping below zero, the Sludge Report has launched "The Answer Man," an exciting new feature found at theshadowknows.com. Typical examples of shadow's brilliant answers to questions posed by well-known JBR case celebrities, who are struggling with indecision, are provided below.
"Desperate to Sell a Book": shadow, I'm desperate. I rushed my book, Presumed Guilty... into publication early, to get the jump on other writers whom I knew were working on their JBR case books, and it's just not selling. What can I do? shadow: Dear "Desperate to Sell-Out" - the scathing review of your book on the JW forum by noted critic K777angel really hurt sales. Agreement by BobC, Maxi, A.K. and fly with the review provided the kiss of death. I suggest that you send copies of the book to the Boulder JBR Grand Jury - this will excite interest by the media, maybe even the Colorado Attorney General. If this doesn't work, recall all of these books immediately and add a chapter linking Bill and Hillary Clinton to the death of JBR. This will guarantee massive sales - at least in Washington, DC.
"Worn Out on the Circuit": I, too, have a problem, shadow. I have managed to keep my book, Perfect Murder, Perfect Town, selling by being on TV talk shows 24 hours a day, seven days a week. My problem is that I'm wearing out. What can I do? shadow: Dear "Worn Circuit" - get in contact with the scientists who cloned the sheep Dolly. Get cloned... you can then be on the TV talk shows 48 hours a day, 14 days a week.
"Disillusioned in NY": shadow... I thought that things in the JBR case would change when Colorado got a Republican Governor. Despite my many letters to the new Governor, nothing has changed. Why? shadow: Dear "Dissed" - while Republicans and Democrats, and liberals and conservatives, disagree on most things, they all agree that "money and power talks, and everything else walks."
"Host of Record": I'm a little concerned about my credibility. About two years ago, I vowed that my TV talk show would be the "Show of Record in the JBR Case." Through no fault of my own, my show hasn't really lived up to this billing. What can I do to regain my lost credibility with those interested in the JBR case? shadow: Dear "Host with a Record" - on your next JBR case show, scream "I'm mad as hell and won't take it anymore;" then shoot Merrick, Posner, Schiller, Singular, and Hoffman on camera with a 357 magnum.
"Perplexed in Boulder": shadow, I'm a member of the JBR Grand Jury. I just got a copy in the mail of Presumed Guilty... I'm not sure what to do. shadow: Dear "Perplexed" - call the Colorado Attorney General's office and report this immediately. Tell them that someone named jameson who spends lots of time on the Internet sent it to you.
The above are just a few examples of the excellent help that the Answer Man provides on theshadowknows.com to those who are confused about the JBR case.
|All "Sludge Reports" are "Parody"|
|All "Sludge Reports" are "Parody" and are written by "Shadow" and are the express property of "Shadow" and donated and used on the ACandyRose Website with express permission of "Shadow" as part of the archived history of the Internet Subculture surrounding the JonBenet Ramsey murder Investigation. The parody opinion expressed in the "Sludge Reports" is not necessarily the opinion of the webmaster of "ACandyRose" and have not been included in the archive history by "Shadow" or "ACandyRose" to discredit any Internet poster or any person in real life whose name may sound familiar when referenced within the parody reports. The "Sludge Reports" can not be copied or used from the ACandyRose website without the express permission of "Shadow."|
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